This may be a little cold

Typically, when you’re scheduled for an ultrasound and you’re laying out on the table, you will receive a verbal warning: “This may be a little cold.”

I didn’t receive any warning as the thick gel was slathered across my neck. It was a little startling even though I knew what was coming. Bodily reactions are strange to me. My mind knew to warn my muscles not to flinch, and yet, I flinched.

I have nodules on my thyroid. Most doctors treat this very mildly. They do not act with haste or even concern. However, considering thyroid cancer runs in my family, to me, it is concerning. I tend not to think about it too often but when I have these tests done, it’s hard not to.

If no new nodules form and if my existing nodules do not grow in size, they are in no way going to push for a biopsy. The whole thing is a waiting game. I’ve had two biopsies in the past, both negative and I’m thankful for that. However, the percentage of tissue that is actually tested is a tiny fraction compared to the entire organ. There is always a chance I’m just living with cancer cells that have not yet decided to destroy me.

Now, I suppose you can say that about any organ in the body. That our bodies as a whole run a huge risk of hosting cancer at some point. Sadly, that doesn’t make me feel any better about my situation.

The alternative is to have the whole thyroid removed. Most doctors do not recommend this path and I can understand why. Any surgery runs a risk and once the thyroid is removed you will relay on medication for the rest of your life.

I think I’ll be fine until I’m not. Currently I’m not freaking out. I’m listening to my gut, or trying to. Maybe in a year I will feel differently but for now we are just monitoring my thyroid conditions. If you suffer from any thyroid issues you know how draining they can be. I’m no expert but I can certainly listen to anyone who wants to rant or talk about their concerns.

Unkind

I keep running my fingers across my face. There is a bump on the bottom of my chin that is swollen and painful to the touch. I know this kinda of pain. It’s pain from the pressure built up underneath. I just want it gone. I want it out. Whatever is in there, shouldn’t be.

Every few weeks or so I’ll get this type of reaction in my skin. It’s the worst kind for me because I constantly feel the raised skin that is out of place. I want it to be smooth again, to release the pressure, and to ease the pain.

You may think that’s a lot of thoughts to dedicate to one bump on my face and I would tell you that you’re not wrong. Most people are not fixated on the imperfections within their skin. Yet here I am. Thank you dermatillomania.

I’ve been unkind to my skin for as long as I can remember. If I could just fix it…if my skin was smooth, there would be nothing to pick at. At lest, that’s what I tell myself.

Today it’s my face. Tomorrow my chest. The next day my legs. And on it goes.

Day 1

Welcome all! This is probably my third attempt at a blog and I’m really hoping this one will stick! It’s a major problem I have; remembering to write. At this point it’s more along the lines of, remember that I created a blog in the first place. I promise I’m working on that. Probably a side effect of my thyroid kicking its own ass…but a story for another day 😉

I hope to create content that you actually enjoy reading. I hope to connect and share experiences and messages that resonate with others. I can’t promise anything but I am going to try. I will be real, raw, and un-apologetically me! That much I know.

I also want to know about you. What do you love..hate…and everywhere in between. Let’s talk. Let’s get into healthy discussions. Let me know what you want to hear about and read. This only works if we’re both involved.

I used “Derma Warrior” as the title for this blog space. I want to share some of my highs and lows as a fat chica living with Dermatillomania (among a plethora of other random topics). Since compulsive skin picking is still a topic that most don’t speak on, I always lead with that. However, I don’t want to keep my topics narrow. I want to go in!

This wont just be a niche blog. I want to get my thoughts out there and get your feedback! I want to talk about bodies, health, relationships, and the world around us. Some days I’ll have serious topics and other days I may just rant to get something off of my chest. There is no wrong way to do this. I welcome you all and I’m excited for this journey!!